Manchester United has shocked the world after securing a successful transfer of legendary footballer Cristiano Ronaldo from Juventus on Friday. Initially, it appeared that he was heading to local rivals Manchester City but fortunes turned in a matter of hours and soon enough, United confirmed through official channels that the prodigal son is indeed coming home.
While United fans are overwhelmed by the marquee signing, with raucous celebrations among former players and fans like, controversy has erupted over Cristiano’s ‘Gharwapsi’ (homecoming). City Manager Pep Guardiola is incensed by the fact that he and his club were used as a tool by Ronaldo and his agent Jorge Mendes to secure the sensational transfer.
Reliable sources inform us that Pep Guardiola was seen ranting and raving like a mad man inside City’s training grounds. He believes he has not been backed sufficiently by the City board in the transfer market and was spotted hurling abuses at a club official who reminded him that the club had just bought Jack Grealish for a £100 million.
We were informed by sources that Guardiola lost three additional strands of hair he did not even believe he had on his head over Ronaldo’s move to United. It is not just Guardiola, however, who has been making such allegations.
The PSG board has also flagged concerns of ‘Sanghi Fascism’ over the Gharwapsi. The club believes having Mbappe, Neymar, Messi and Di Maria among their ranks is not enough to ensure an elusive Champions League for them this season.
We have also learnt that PSG officials are in touch with ‘farmer protester’ Rakesh Tikait to protest against the move in front of Old Trafford. Tikait was unconvinced initially because he does not have much idea about football but was convinced to join PSG’s cause after officials of the club told him that it was in defense of the honour of the farmers’ league.
The Washington Post in its editorial has claimed that the tweet by Manchester United where they announced the return of Cristiano Ronaldo had a cryptic message behind it. The tweet said, “Welcome home”, throwing their weight behind the popular chant by fans that the Portugese legend was ‘coming home’.
Such an endorsement of ‘Gharwapsi’ claims by the club itself, Washington Post believes, is extremely problematic and has demanded that Manchester United publicly disavow the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS). The New York Times came to a similar conclusion and suggested that RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat had played a crucial role in the star’s ‘Gharwapsi’, as fond of Gharwapsi he and his organisation are.
Eminent intellectual Gadhanand Ghume was spotted hyperventilating over the matter and said that this was further evidence of the fact that under the Prime Ministerial tenure of Narendra Modi, Hindutva had become a global issue. He claimed that it was clinching evidence of the nexus between White Supremacists and Hindutva groups. We are told that Ghume has a soft spot for Pep Guardiola in his heart due to the similar hairstyle they share.
Popstar Rihanna, commenting on the accusations of ‘Sanghi fascism’, said, “Why are we not talking about this?”
Not everyone is buying these claims, however. Jose Mourinho, former United manager who managed Real Madrid when Cristiano Ronaldo played for the Spanish club, called Pep Guardiola a drama queen. “I prefer not to speak, if I speak, I am in big trouble,” said Mourinho before embarking on a 20 minute rant anyway. During the rant, Mourinho claimed that Guardiola was a “bald fraud” for blaming Ronaldo’s transfer for his hair loss since Guardiola has been bald for as long as he knew him.
Loyalists of the Congress party believe that the transfer is a ‘Sanghi conspiracy’ to defame Rahul Gandhi. One Congress insider, who happens to be a massive United fan, told us that Ronaldo’s transfer to United was not a good look for scion of the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty.
The insider told us that Rahul Gandhi became a Member of the Indian Parliament for the first time a year after Cristiano Ronaldo joined Manchester United in 2003. Since then, Ronaldo became a club legend at United, winning the Premier League, the Champions League and a host of personal accolades. Then he left for Real Madrid in 2009 and scored 450 goals for the club and won multiple personal honours before leaving for Juventus in 2018. Now, he is back at Manchester United in 2021.
According to the insider, Rahul Gandhi’s greatest achievement during the same period was moving from one failure to the next without any loss in enthusiasm. “Ronaldo joined United as a boy and returned as a legend, meanwhile, Rahul Baba during the same period has only been ‘coming of age’,” the source said.
Note: The above is a work of satire and should be taken in humour.