Home Variety Satire And, so.. the heir takes his oath

And, so.. the heir takes his oath

Invitees whose souls have been sold for silver see them and stand up with bowed heads. While others unaware of anything unusual look over the Program Card.

So, The Heir will take his oath as the Prime Minister of India in May 2019.

Not for him the sweltering courtyard of the Rashtrapati Bhavan like the incumbent before but the cool air-conditioned comfort of the chandeliered Durbar Hall.

The foreign dignitary guest list is tight and minimal. Only those who matter to the new dispensation have been invited – The Chinese and the Pakistani. The Chinese are happy they can dominate this dummy. The Pakistani are happy this dummy is not smarter than their dummy.

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Though not said openly, there is an air of disbelief and hence a desire to get over the ceremony at the earliest and to make it official, lest something is discovered that would render the election null and void.

In the front row, sits The Matriarch.

Her lips twitching with nervousness, her eyes darting back and forth, her brain working overtime at the list of neutered men and women who will take the oath along with her son. If anyone of them has even a modicum of self-respect she will have them tarred and quartered immediately.

Five years out of power and she will brook no one with half a cell of intelligence exceeding that of her son.

“India”, she smirks, “deserves no better”.

Bent And Waiting, Slaughterhouse Lawyer, Mujhe-Judge-Banaa-Doh lawyer, Slick-Flick, Chinese-Slick-Flick, Fainting-Mumbler, the Retainer and the Grand Wazir take their places behind her.

Nodding at each other, they acknowledge,

“We are back in business!”

Robotic Singh has also been pulled out of the trunk, dusted, displayed but of little use today.

Unfortunately, there are some whose time has still not come.

The Young Turks have been relegated to a row at the rear. Too clever by half and a spirit not completely obliterated. Spare-Heir and husband, Are-You-Serious? are making an appearance together. Unity For Treasury is a family tradition after all. It must be said The Gravy Train just cannot get over it.

“Its finally happening”, they nudge each other in glee.

Breathless Bhartha gushing and delighted,

“Nothing to report Pakistan. You are nowhere in the epicentre of Lutyens Delhi. Mission Accomplished! However, for old times’ sake, I have to inform you though there is a helicopter whirring outside and security is lax because it’s the UTA after all”.

A TV channel magnate is admiring the hall and planning his next 25 Greatest Global Living Indians. No venue like Rashtrapati Bhavan, but of course, the President might not be so pliant this time.

Right next to him is Shaker-Faker looking nervously about.

Who knows the 61st Cavalry might just do the coup. The President is after all the Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces. Mr MSG sidles close, an extension to his house is much needed and nothing like a sweet interview on mothers in law to cover growing costs.

Fan-Girl, finally introduced to Pidi breaks all protocol to bring the star doggie to the swearing-in.

Kaun-Jaat-Ho stands outside with his mic demanding Kaun-Jaat-Ho of every guest who comes in, till he’s reminded that all that matters now is ~ Hamare Jaise Secular Ho? ~

The JNU Trio with The Gujarat Duo will be in talks with The Mothership but are now happy to be invited to the big event. Their joy knows no bounds when Uncles Lenin and Marx, who last won JNU elections and are now permanent features of the Indian political landscape, come up to meet them up.

Some Bollywood types teetering on their stilettos are hurriedly correcting their placards to ‘I am India’ from ‘I am Italy, I am proud’!

In minutes the entire hall turns around in shock to hear the shrill voice of the MadBanshee. Striding in she asked loudly:

“Bhy? Bhy couldn’t we bring our cars to the porch? You couldn’t have made it here without me and Bua-Bhatija. And I hope we are sitting in the front row. ChaaraChor jee is getting indefinite bail from prison and will require a seat too”.

Rising to greet them The Matriarch smiles and hides the dagger in her heart.

“Must fatten those files to keep this regional lot on a tight leash”.

The old Kitchen Cabinet is here in full force, ready with a draft of the Communal Bill to push through the next Parliament session. The glint in their eyes and the sprint in their walk is visible to all.

As the durbans attempt to close the doors for the swearing-in ceremony, they recoil at the sight of an encompassing mass of shrouded men in dark cloaks, their faces hidden but a chilling presence marked.

Invitees whose souls have been sold for silver see them and stand up with bowed heads. While others unaware of anything unusual look over the Program Card.

The Matriarch goes on her knees and kisses a ringed gnarled hand.

“We are at your service and at your mercy again”

Her son does the same.

“Your mother served us well. We expect same from you”

And poof!

They disappear.

Someone shudders and whispers: “Handlers … those… those were the Handlers!”

Meanwhile, the LittlePeople are planning for the first day of new Government:

  • The New Prime Minister will move into 5 Race Course Road, Lok Kalyan is out of the window.

–  However, 10 Tughlaq Lane will be retained for guests who cannot be seen

with a special and private tunnel connecting the two homes.

–  A section of the Prime Ministerial garden will be dedicated especially for

Shivjee Ki Booti as the Shiv Bhakt deserves so.

  • The Statue of Unity will be brought down because the new government doesn’t consider a symbol of unity important for the country. However, the tallest statues of Bada Nanajee, Dadijee and Daddyjee will be installed across the land as the people must not be allowed to forget their sacrifices.
  • All rural toilets will be dismantled. Because an empowered woman should go out into the fields like the men.
  • The poor will be asked to voluntarily give up their LPG cylinders or the male members will have to undergo a vasectomy in memory of Dadijee.
  • Aadhaar will be discontinued. You have full rights to do your hanky-panky business in complete privacy.
  • Rs. 5000 and Rs. 10000 notes will be printed so that hoarding and storing is easier. The government will take a revolutionary step and provide free termite proof sacks.
  • The Rafale order will be cancelled. The Government is in no hurry but will only buy from anybody who agrees to their sweat money terms.
  • All promises made during the election campaign are to remain just that -promises.
  • At the LoC, there will be no retaliation by our security forces. Love will be the operative word.
  • All PowerPoint Presentations for the new PM will be numbered 1, 2 and 4.
  • The new PM will periodically leave for undisclosed locations. His cabinet in his absence will report to his mother or sister if the former is indisposed.
  • Forget the Ram Mandir, Library or Hospital the new government will repay the debt of every vote with a Grand Mosque.
  • Inflation will be back at 10% but everyone will get an Aloo Machine.
  • Those who are supposed to be in jail will be rewarded with plum posts.
  • All absconding criminals will return home to live the good life.
  • Arrest warrants for those who mocked, laughed or joked about the new PM in the past five years are ready to be served.
  • Huge banners will go up across the country – The India We Knew Is Back.

Wake up! Wake up!

Thank God, it’s only a nightmare!

Something you can still wake up from and see that it never becomes a reality.

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