Friday, October 23, 2020
Home Opinions Dear WebMD, this hideous decoction is neither chai nor latte. As an Indian, I...

Dear WebMD, this hideous decoction is neither chai nor latte. As an Indian, I am offended

That is not even the proper colour!

As I was mindlessly scrolling through my Twitter timeline, I came across this video of WebMD where they were talking about how to make ‘homemade chai latte’. As someone who has recently taken to ASMR YouTube videos for aesthetically cooked food (it is a pandemic and food is the only comfort one has, ok?), I stopped scrolling to check it out. Here is how it unfolded.

I have thoughts on this. (Contains spoilers, d-uh)

  1. Hmm. Spices. Nice masala chai with adrak.
  2. What. Tea bags? Who puts tea bags when you are brewing tea at home?
  3. Cardamom. Ew. I don’t like it in biryani, don’t like it in sweets, don’t like it anywhere. The only reason elaichi exists is to make you question your existence on same planet as elaichi.
  4. Cloves. Hmm. Sometimes on cold wintery mornings, I like to make myself this strong tea to feel warm. Cloves are good.
  5. WHAT THE HELL! STAR ANISE?! IS THIS CHAI OR BIRYANI!
  6. WHO PUTS THREE HUGE STICKS OF CINNAMON!
  7. Okay, ginger is nice. I love ginger. BUT WITH SO MANY OTHER OVERPOWERING SPICES, WHAT GOOD IS THIS GINGER!
  8. WHAT THE HELL! WHO PUTS COCONUT MILK IN TEA!
  9. AND MAPLE SYRUP! BIRYANI SE PANCAKES BANA DO!
  10. WAIT YOU DID NOT EVEN BOIL IT AND ARE STRAINING IT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!

No, this is not how you make ‘chai latte’. What you made is neither chai, nor latte. That’s not even the proper colour. The Indian in me is offended.

This is how tea looks like.

How tea looks like. (image courtesy @nirwamehta)

This is how you make tea: (1 cup measurements)

  1. Little over half cup water + half cup milk, bring to a boil.
  2. Add 2 tea spoons of tea leaves of your choice
  3. Add a pinch of tea masala (Everest is personal favourite).
  4. Once the whole thing boils, grate in 1 inch ginger, 3-4 leaves of mint and Tulsi. (mint and Tulsi are optional)
  5. Let it boil till colour becomes like in above picture. IT HAS TO BE PERFECT BROWN TO BE TEA.
  6. Once it is nice brown colour, remove from flame.
  7. Add 1.5 tea spoon of powdered jaggery and mix.
  8. Drink your tea.

WebMD, please stick to what you are best at: Being the first search result for every time I Google my symptoms and telling me how I am going to die. Soon.

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Nirwa Mehtahttps://medium.com/@nirwamehta
Politically incorrect. Author, Flawed But Fabulous.

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