Our friendly neighbourhood farmer Rakesh Tikait is suffering an existential crisis after Prime Minister Narendra Modi announced that the farm laws will be repealed by the government. While it was welcome news for the protesters, it was not so much for Tikait himself.
The protest leader has reserved all the dates in his calendar till May 2024 for protests but the sudden vacuum created by the announcement has left him jobless.
According to people on the ground, Rakesh Tikait could be spotted sitting quietly in the corner, with droplets of tears in his eyes, visibly depressed while others burst crackers to celebrate the occasion. According to Reliable Sources, the protest leader was upset because he has lost the very object that lent meaning to his existence.
After Narendra Modi made the announcement, Tikait had declared that the protests would continue but he was not confident whether he will be able to convince others to stay now that the farm laws are set to be repealed. His close confidantes believed his comments on Friday were the “dying embers of the brightest star in the firmament of Indian history.”
Heartbroken at witnessing Tikait’s visible decline, some of his trusted lieutenants contacted popstar Rihanna who had given great support to the protests through her social media accounts. It is now believed that Rihanna has consented to record a ‘farmer redux’ edition of her hit song ‘Love the way you lie’ with Rakesh Tikait featuring alongside her instead of Eminem.
We are told that Rakesh Tikait was jubilated by the news and has suddenly fallen in love with life all over again. While he expressed a desire to record the song ‘Ishq tera tar paaye‘ with Rihanna, believing it would appeal to the Punjabi constituents of the protests, he settled for ‘Love the way you lie’ after hearing Rihanna’s attempt at speaking Hindi.
The other songs that Tikait proposed were ‘Moo kaala muqabla hoga’ and ‘Tum jaise ch*tiyo ka sahara hai dosto’. The first was intended to mock the Indian Government while the latter was meant as an ode to his fellow protesters.
However, his request that the lyrics of the song be altered to fit the ‘farmer’ theme has been accepted by the popstar’s agents. In the farmer redux edition, Rihanna will portray the role of a left-leaning Delhi woman struggling to breathe due to the pollution caused by stubble burning.
With great difficulty, we have managed to access some of the proposed lyrics for the song and details of the visuals to go along with it. Rihanna will open the song with the words, “Just gonna stand there and watch it (stubble) burn. Well, that’s alright, because I like the way it hurts.” The visuals are expected to show Rihanna struggling to breathe due to the smoke caused by the stubble burning.
There’s another reason, we are told, why Tikait’s comrades chose that particular song for the video with Rihanna. They believe the rap by Eminem is extremely difficult and could very well take Tikait a lifetime to master. When we asked them if they were not playing with their friend’s emotions and stabbing him in the back, they told us that they were convinced it was for the greater good.
Tikait, however, is convinced that he will master the rap portions of the song in no time. “Surely, it cannot be more difficult than making the government bow down to our demands,” he was heard telling his trusted friend Yogendra Yadav.
Yadav, we are told, tried to make Tikait walk away from the proposal, telling him that he was being set up for failure. But our trusted sources tell us that Yogendra Yadav said such things because he wanted to replace Tikait in the song.
Yogendra Yadav has always fancied himself as a poet and it was due to a cruel twist of fate that he ended up being a henchman for Lutyens Delhi. Tikait, meanwhile, is extremely excited about the recent turn of events and taken to address himself and Rihanna as ‘Rikait’ within a very short span of time.
In fact, Rakesh Tikait is so convinced that he will master the lyrics quickly that he has made up his mind to request a movie with Mia Khalifa next, having been told that Mia Khalifa is one of the most popular actresses in the world. His comrades, on the other hand, are not quite sure how to break it to him that Mia Khalifa does not exactly feature in ‘conventional’ movies. Their situation is further complicated by the fact that Tikait has even decided a name for the name. It is supposed to be called ‘Mikait’.
When we reached out to the Government for a comment on the matter, they said they that condemn it in the harshest terms (kadi ninda). Some other leaders said that they would not permit Rihanna to shoot the video of the song in Punjab. But they gave us the impression that a few free passes for the popstar’s next concern could resolve the matter.
But overall, a general sense of contentment appeared to pervade the inner circles of the government. They were happy that they would no longer have to keep a watch for tractors behind their back now that the matter had been resolved. When it was pointed out that their supporters on social media were not happy and extremely displeased, one leader sent us a meme of Nana Patekar that said, “Seh Lenge Thoda”.
Note: The article is a work of satire and meant to be taken in jest.