Tuesday, May 18, 2021
Home Variety Satire As ESPN goes for gender-neutral terms, here is how Rajasthan Royals vs Delhi Capitals...

As ESPN goes for gender-neutral terms, here is how Rajasthan Royals vs Delhi Capitals match commentary may read like

The woke culture has gone wild in Cricket.

On April 15, ESPN CricInfo decided to go woke and do away with terms that identify players by their gender to make it a more ‘inclusive’ game even if all players playing that particular game are of the same gender. While it appeared like a comic-relief in times of pandemic, ESPN meant it in all seriousness. The following shows what the future of commentary (or is it compersontary now?) looks like:

Welcome to the 7th match of the Global Premier League (linking a cricket tournament involving players from around the world to one country gives rise to toxic nationalism so we have decided to replace Indian from the name) between Rajasthan Royals and Delhi Capitals.

Before we begin our coverage, it is important to remember that everyone is a winner, so the result of the match is totally irrelevant.

Now then, people’s representatives (because Captain represents a figure of authority and can give rise to authoritarianism, we have decided to stop using that term) from Rajasthan and Delhi are out in the middle with the coin to check what does the coin want (toss is an offensive term as it is linked to throwing someone up in the air and hurting them).

To aid the 2 people’s representatives in their quest, there is a public service official (calling an individual referee implies he has the power to make all decisions in case of a dispute, only a people’s court can be the true referee, hence we refrain from using that term). 

Ideally, all 11 players from each team should have been out there to see the coin’s choice, to promote inclusiveness, but Cricket hasn’t yet reached the 21st Century. 

So the 2 people’s representatives, Rishabh and Sanju are ready (we can’t spell out their full names as it can give rise to religious and caste issues if people find out about their full names, we will only work on a first name basis from now on). Using a coin to decide how the match will begin is a little bit too capitalist, going forward, teams should be allowed to bat or bowl based on their feelings.

If they feel they want to bat first, they should be allowed to do so, and if they feel they want to bowl first, they should do the same. If both teams feel the same way, then there is no way to distinguish between them, and everyone should be declared the winner.

Anyway, moving on with the coin’s choice, it is Sanju sending the coin on its journey, and Rishabh calls Heads, which is a little bit problematic. Just because the head is higher than a tail in any animal, it shows Rishabh’s preference for the higher classes, and ignores the lower classes completely. Rishabh needs to curb his capitalist tendencies if he wants to become a good cricketer.

The coin lands on Heads – of course it does, the coin is anyways a product of capitalism – and Rishabh decides to bat first.

Our algorithm has found out that our commentary is approaching 500 words, where we must take a commercial break, though we take this break to be inclusive to people who have short attention span. Our commentary will be back on a new page when the match begins.

Thanks for reading, people.

  Support Us  

Whether NDTV or 'The Wire', they never have to worry about funds. In name of saving democracy, they get money from various sources. We need your support to fight them. Please contribute whatever you can afford

Sandeep Kadian
Sports, Satire, Politics, Golgappa.

Related Articles

Trending now

#CongressToolKitExposed: How Congress’s Srinivas BV’s actions during Covid crisis fits the toolkit perfectly

One of the first recommendations of this particular section of the 4-page toolkit suggests promoting SOS redressals and offering “priority help” to journalists, media professionals and other influencers.

Why Islamists and their apologists are desperate to insert ‘Jai Shri Ram’ to turn every random crime into hate crime

Ever since PM Modi came to power in 2014, the 'Dara Husa Musalman' bogey has been raised time and again in Indian context mostly to whitewash hate crimes carried out against Hindus

Washington Post cancels Iron Dome for saving Israeli lives

Should Israel just let its citizens die? Why should any country not use technology to save lives of its citizens?

West Bengal: Mamata Banerjee’s govt clears proposal to form a State Legislative Council. Here is why

The decision was taken during a cabinet meeting, conducted via video conferencing, by the CM and several Departmental Secretaries.

A week after BMC floated global tender for Covid vaccines, it gets zero bids. Here is why

Mumbai Mayor Kishori Pednekar had stated that there will be no advanced payments and vaccine companies will be penalised if they delay delivery.

Congress toolkit says party blocked beds in ‘friendly’ hospitals amidst COVID-19 crisis to paint itself as a messiah on social media

Social media is awash with a new toolkit, allegedly created by the Congress party, detailing its plan to extract political mileage.

Recently Popular

Odisha: Sonu Sood clarifies after Ganjam DM says they had not received any communication from him regarding bed for COVID patient

The Collector and District Magistrate of Ganjam has called out Sonu Sood after the actor claimed to have arranged a bed.

Pakistan based CNN contributor Adeel Raja says world needs another Hitler amidst Israel-Palestine conflict, has history of anti-Semitic tweets

Adeel Raja, freelance contributor at CNN, has said that the world needs a Hitler today amidst the Israel-Palestine conflict.

Vinod Dua’s daughter, who wanted all ‘bhakts’ dead, receives help from a ‘bhakt’ MP while her mother needed critical COVID medicines

BJP supporters lodged their protest about minister chipping in to help the elites in India, when commoners are equally suffering, especially when the elites have not asked for their help.

Haryana: Police rules out communal angle in murder of Mewat youth Asif, two groups are old political rivals. Details

As per police, Asif had beaten up Pradeep's group members 20 days back, and Pradeep decided to avenge the attack.

Latest Congress toolkit: Paint Kumbh as Covid superspreader, and Eid as ‘happy gathering’. Here are the details

From maligning Kumbh to attacking Prime Minister Narendra Modi for the Central Vista project, working with 'friendly' journalists to get 'tailored' articles defaming India and Modi govt, here is what the Congress 'toolkit' asks its social media and PR teams to do.

Assam: Six arrested for disrespecting national flag, accused caught using tricolour as table cloth for Eid feast

An image of Rejina Parvin Sultana, a resident of Assam's Tengnamari village, feasting lunch with her family on the occasion of Eid had gone viral on the internet.
- Advertisement -

 

Connect with us

255,301FansLike
545,730FollowersFollow
24,300SubscribersSubscribe