Tuesday, May 18, 2021
Home Variety Satire As ESPN goes for gender-neutral terms, here is how Rajasthan Royals vs Delhi Capitals...

As ESPN goes for gender-neutral terms, here is how Rajasthan Royals vs Delhi Capitals match commentary may read like

The woke culture has gone wild in Cricket.

On April 15, ESPN CricInfo decided to go woke and do away with terms that identify players by their gender to make it a more ‘inclusive’ game even if all players playing that particular game are of the same gender. While it appeared like a comic-relief in times of pandemic, ESPN meant it in all seriousness. The following shows what the future of commentary (or is it compersontary now?) looks like:

Welcome to the 7th match of the Global Premier League (linking a cricket tournament involving players from around the world to one country gives rise to toxic nationalism so we have decided to replace Indian from the name) between Rajasthan Royals and Delhi Capitals.

Before we begin our coverage, it is important to remember that everyone is a winner, so the result of the match is totally irrelevant.

Now then, people’s representatives (because Captain represents a figure of authority and can give rise to authoritarianism, we have decided to stop using that term) from Rajasthan and Delhi are out in the middle with the coin to check what does the coin want (toss is an offensive term as it is linked to throwing someone up in the air and hurting them).

To aid the 2 people’s representatives in their quest, there is a public service official (calling an individual referee implies he has the power to make all decisions in case of a dispute, only a people’s court can be the true referee, hence we refrain from using that term). 

Ideally, all 11 players from each team should have been out there to see the coin’s choice, to promote inclusiveness, but Cricket hasn’t yet reached the 21st Century. 

So the 2 people’s representatives, Rishabh and Sanju are ready (we can’t spell out their full names as it can give rise to religious and caste issues if people find out about their full names, we will only work on a first name basis from now on). Using a coin to decide how the match will begin is a little bit too capitalist, going forward, teams should be allowed to bat or bowl based on their feelings.

If they feel they want to bat first, they should be allowed to do so, and if they feel they want to bowl first, they should do the same. If both teams feel the same way, then there is no way to distinguish between them, and everyone should be declared the winner.

Anyway, moving on with the coin’s choice, it is Sanju sending the coin on its journey, and Rishabh calls Heads, which is a little bit problematic. Just because the head is higher than a tail in any animal, it shows Rishabh’s preference for the higher classes, and ignores the lower classes completely. Rishabh needs to curb his capitalist tendencies if he wants to become a good cricketer.

The coin lands on Heads – of course it does, the coin is anyways a product of capitalism – and Rishabh decides to bat first.

Our algorithm has found out that our commentary is approaching 500 words, where we must take a commercial break, though we take this break to be inclusive to people who have short attention span. Our commentary will be back on a new page when the match begins.

Thanks for reading, people.

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Sandeep Kadian
Sports, Satire, Politics, Golgappa.

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