On wee hours of Sunday, the day after Christmas, a snake entered the farmhouse of Bollywood superstar Salman Khan. The Khans had gathered to celebrate Christmas when a snake entered the house. Salman Khan said that the kids got afraid of snake and he decided to get rid of it. Except, when he did try to get rid of it, the snake bit him thrice. Khan was immediately taken to hospital and after keeping him under observation for a few hours, he was discharged.
OpIndia sent its special correspondent and a Salman Khan fangirl Nirwa Mehta to interview the Snake who wishes to remain anonymous.
Nirwa Mehta: What were you doing in a farmhouse?
Panvel Snake: Dude! I’m a bloody snake, who moves around in grass and shrubs and farms and jungle and all. A snake in a farm shouldn’t surprise you but a Salman in a farm should. I mean last time he was in a jungle he bloody got a police case against himself.
Nirwa: Well, animals are not covered under IPC, but technically you could have gotten a police case against yourself too for assaulting Salman bhai.
Snake Wait, are you doing journalism or dalaali for Salman Khan?
Nirwa: Rahul Gandhi, is that you?
Snake: This is bloody preposterous! First you accuse me of assaulting Salman and now you call me Rahul Gandhi? Is this how you interview people?
Nirwa: Sigh, now I know why I don’t get enough people to interview. I’m sorry. Let’s start again.
Snake: Okay, ask something sensible now.
Nirwa: So Salman says he was taking you out of the room because kids were scared and that’s when you bit him. Is that true?
Snake: That’s nonsense! Kids were not scared of me but they freaked out seeing Salman in that stupid mask he was wearing and weird gait he had while walking inside the room. And then they all blamed me for the fiasco.
Nirwa: So you are saying kids were not scared of you at all?
Snake: You tell me. You have kids? Would you rather leave them with non-venomous snakes or among Bollywood guys?
Nirwa: umm.. I don’t have kids. Let’s move to the next question. Granted that you didn’t scare the kids and it was all some sort of misunderstanding, you could still have not bitten Salman. He was just dropping you off outside, right?
Snake: yeah yeah, and we all know how good he is when he drops someone off. Go ask Aishwarya or Katrina.
Nirwa: Well, that’s a bit defamatory and you are getting into his personal life.
Snake: Whoa! And he bloody didn’t intervene in my personal life? What business he had to throw me out of the farmhouse? I could have gone out anyway after checking out the room as there was nothing interesting for me in the party. They were drinking, and I don’t drink. They were having non-veg but none of those I liked as I don’t think they had any Chinese friends. And the room was cleaned for his arrival so there were no lizards, rats or even bats that I could eat. I’d have moved out of the room in like 10 minutes like many people move out of the theater where his movies play.
Nirwa: Well, you are again getting personal.
Snake: I will! I get bloody thrown out in disrespectful way. I get maligned as having scared the children as if I am some priest at a church, and then among all of media just OpIndia comes to interview me, while that stupid bhai is all over media giving interviews and getting sympathy for having been bitten by a snake.
Nirwa: Firstly, he may be *your* bhai, he’s not my bhai. *cough* Secondly, why did you insult OpIndia in all this? Shouldn’t you be rather thankful? Everyone else is airing one-sided story.
Snake: I am sorry, I’m just pissed off. Thanks that at least you cared to interview me. Others don’t care. Not even my cousins writing at The Washington Post.
Nirwa: Oh wow, that venomous one writing for WaPo?
Snake: Yes. You are not dumb as you look.
Nirwa: Now you are again getting personal!
Snake: Sorry again. Anyway, I’m getting late for the new year cruise party. I have to crawl all the way from Panvel to Mumbai to be on that cruse where many star-kids will be there. And this time they bloody not accuse me of anything.
Nirwa: Oh man, there will be m*therf*cking snakes on a mo*therf*cking cruise! *cackles*
Snake: Whatever, man. Happy new year to you. Maybe I’ll check out Wuhan this year.
Nirwa: Sure, all the best, and Happy New Year! And stay safe in China!
Snake: Hope you get a real guy to interview next. Happy New Year to you too.