Home Variety Satire BREAKING: Democrats promise second edition of Mueller report, blame Narendra Modi for Russian Collusion

BREAKING: Democrats promise second edition of Mueller report, blame Narendra Modi for Russian Collusion

OpIndia has learnt from reliable sources that the Democrats intend to hire Robert Mueller, the person who investigated the alleged Russian Collusion and submitted a report on it recently. We can confirm that our sources are as reliable as the sources Brian Stelter relies on for his entertainment show 'Reliable Sources'.

In the aftermath of Narendra Modi’s speech at the ‘Howdy Modi’ event in Houston, USA, where he heaped praises on US President Donald Trump and mentioned slogans such as ‘Make America Great Again’ and ‘Abki Baar Trump Sarkar’, Democrats have announced that they will launch an investigation into the supposed collusion between Narendra Modi and Donald Trump should they win the Presidency in 2020.

Furthermore, OpIndia has learnt from reliable sources that the Democrats intend to hire Robert Mueller, the person who investigated the alleged Russian Collusion and submitted a report on it recently. We can confirm that our sources are as reliable as the sources Brian Stelter relies on for his entertainment show ‘Reliable Sources’.

Robert Mueller whose old age was on plain display during his testimony to the House Judiciary Committee has been cited as a concern by some prominent faces among the Democrats. Mueller could be seen fumbling for answers and often, he could not recall major details about his own personal life, much less the report he allegedly prepared. However, they have been brushed aside by the leadership of the party.

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“The leadership doesn’t believe Mueller’s age will be a cause for concern.. He will have as much to do with the Modi investigation as he had to do with the Mueller report,” a highly placed source within the DNC told OpIndia.com on the condition of anonymity. “It doesn’t matter if he can’t get out of his bed you know, he was in bed most of the time during the Mueller investigation as well,” said another highly placed source.

The move was proposed by Bernie Sanders, Democratic Presidential hopeful, we have been told. Sanders also is a huge fan of Kanhaiya Kumar and Shehla Rashid apparently. Sources told us that the Vermont Senator sees Kanhaiya as a younger version of his own with a darker complexion. The primary reason for it, we have been told, is that like Kanhaiya, Bernie has never had to do a single day of hard work or hold a job to make a living.

Personal reasons have contributed a lot towards the gathering support for the move. Alexandria Ocazio Cortez, another radical Democrat who has become a prominent face of the party, is supposedly inspired by Sonia Gandhi. Like the Congress President, Cortez too was a waiter before she rose to prominence. Furthermore, she sees the Saffronization of India as a major hindrance towards her goal to implement a ‘Green New Deal’ across the world.

Cortez saw the sea of green at protests against India’s decision to abrogate Article 370 and came to believe that the protesters are also sympathetic towards her flagship policy on Climate Change. Beto O’Rourke, meanwhile, is really sympathetic towards Rahul Gandhi. Like the former Congress president who is mocked as ‘Pappu’ by Indians across the board and ridiculed widely by politicians, Beto is widely considered a joke in his country as well.

Nobody knows why Beto O’Rourke is running for the presidency of the United States and no one really believes he has a chance but now OpIndia.com has learnt from reliable sources that he was inspired to run by the exploits of Rahul Gandhi. He told his close aides towards the end of the summer in 2018, “That guy inspires me. People laugh at him so much, they call him stupid and an idiot and yet, that guy seriously believe he could be the Prime Minister of India one day. I wish I were more like him.”

Eminent experts and journalists in the United States believe “This could be the beginning of the end for Donald Trump”. They claim it is a “new bombshell” and a “tipping point” for the Trump Presidency. Fredo Chris Cuomo called it an “unprecedented attack on US Democracy” that demands “strong retaliation”. Meanwhile, recently fired as the NSA, John Bolton, is finally smiling again as he sees this as a unique opportunity to get the USA involved in another pointless war.

Rachel Maddow, who is still recovering from the trauma of election night 2016, suspects that maybe it wasn’t Vladimir Putin who was responsible for the Russian Collusion, maybe it was Narendra Modi all along. She cites the Prime Minister’s trusted lieutenant and the Home Minister of India, Amit Shah, as evidence for Indian hands behind the Russian Collusion. She claims that as a man who many believe intends to install a BJP government in Mars, Amit Shah might have convinced the US President to become a member of the BJP in return for help in elections.

Ilhan Omar, who allegedly married her own brother in apparent immigration fraud, says it is entirely conceivable that Narendra Modi would interfere with the Americans’ right to choose their own President. She says that he has demonstrated his willingness to restrict freedom by his actions on Kashmir which means that Kashmiri men can no longer choose to give Triple Talaq to their wives without any consequences. She also said that if Narendra Modi has his way, then soon, women will lose women’s right to marry their own brothers as well.

Tulsi Gabbard, meanwhile, is exasperated with the leadership of her party. She thinks it’s an extremely bad idea which will harm the USA’s relationship with an important ally. Unable to prevent her colleagues from going forward with this crazy plan, she is on the verge of saying ‘Abki baar Trump Sarkar’ herself, we are told.

Kamala Harris, another presidential hopeful, believes Gabbard herself is colluding with Narendra Modi. The senator from California was experiencing her stature rise in American politics and many believed she could become the Democratic nominee in 2020. However, her campaigned was destroyed within 2 minutes by the Hindu senator from Hawaii during one of the primary debates. Harris has not recovered from the attack since then and it’s unlikely that she will considering the fact that she is now polling at 5th place in her own state.

Hillary Clinton, too, is feeling very positive about the recent developments. After blaming Putin, ‘deplorables’, Bernie, women, media, then FBI director Comey and practically everyone but herself for her defeat in the 2016 elections, she believes she can finally have someone to blame for her loss and be taken seriously.

Journalists at the New York Times are already working overtime to announce the launch of the Modi Russian Collusion investigation. Brett Kavanaugh, whose life was nearly destroyed and was put through immense mental torture by the Democrats in their bid to take Trump down, is hopeful that the media will be far too busy with this new lollipop in their hands to publish more hit jobs on him.

Closer home, BJP leaders are using the investigation as further evidence of Narendra Modi’s unparalleled prowess in the international arena. One popular said, “India meddling in US elections? Modi hai toh mumkin hai! (It is possible when Modi is here!)”. Amit Shah is feeling a bit morose as his plan to induct Donald Trump into the BJP has been derailed. We were told by reliable sources that impressed by the praises Narendra Modi heaped on him, Trump was planning to rename the Republican Party to Amriki Janata Party (Aajapa). Mohan Bhagwat is, meanwhile, still hopeful that Trump will keep his promise to install an RSS Shakha at every Trump Tower in the USA.

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