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Home Variety Satire Football: Greta Thunberg, Yogendra Yadav in high demand ahead of Transfer Window as fans...

Football: Greta Thunberg, Yogendra Yadav in high demand ahead of Transfer Window as fans look for ‘quality protesters’ to have managers sacked

Fans, primarily from Manchester United and Arsenal, have been calling for their managers to be sacked for quite some time without much success. They appear to have reached the consensus that their protests have not been successful due to the lack of professional expertise.

Speculations are rife about possible signings in the January Transfer Window as teams are expected to strengthen key positions in their squad. However, in an unusual turn of events, disgruntled fans are on the lookout for signings as well in order to strengthen their protests against their managers and the management of the club.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer and Mikel Arteta are the current managers of Manchester United and Arsenal football club respectively. Fans, primarily from Manchester United and Arsenal, have been calling for their managers to be sacked for quite some time without much success. They appear to have reached the consensus that their protests have not been successful due to the lack of professional expertise. Therefore, a decision has been made to sign up professional protesters such as Greta Thunberg and Yogendra Yadav to help their cause.

According to reliable sources, the decision was the consequence of a long drawn out discussion between a heartbroken Manchester United fan and an Arsenal fan. The discussion occurred in the aftermath of United’s defeat against RB Leipzig, which resulted in the club’s ouster from UEFA Champions League. United finished third in their group and will now play in the Europa League.

The United fan in question claimed to have been infected with COVID-19 in order to avoid fans from rival clubs at a meet-up. Later, he was found getting drunk at the local pub with the Arsenal fan. Together, after several rounds of heated brainstorming sessions in drunken stupor, it was decided that the best path forward was to seek professional help.

When the idea was revealed to others, everyone agreed that it had great potential. Sources tell us that informal discussions are underway between the football fans and the professional protesters but a deal is far from being finalised. While Greta Thunberg’s terms are expected to be fairly simple, as the new cycle of protests would provide her with more reasons to skip school and spend time traveling, Yogendra Yadav’s demands are definitely not.

The fans were under the impression that fervent appeals to Yadav’s emotional sentiments would be enough to secure a deal, however, they have learnt since then that he has appealed for compulsory voluntary donation as quid pro quo to join the crusade. The fans were shocked by such a demand since YouTube compilations of his speeches gave them the impression that protesting was his passion and he could be convinced to protest absolutely anything and everything under the Sun with some tears and drama.

More so since the last time he appealed for donation, despite 168 retweets and 816 likes, he could not even get Rs 50 as donation, as he himself once admitted.

Yogendra Yadav, nonetheless, has communicated to the fans that his style of protesting would require significant investment. At one point during the discussion, he referred to himself as the Pep Guardiola of the world of professional protesters in order to communicate effectively why investments would be so necessary.

Robbie of Arsenal FanTV has been approached for monetary help and he is open to supporting efforts to have Mikel Arteta sacked at Arsenal. Manchester United fans are quite distressed as they believe they do not have the strength to match Robbie’s financial might. Some United fans have suggested that they reach out to ‘PIL’ activist Prashant Bhushan over the matter, however, others shot down that proposal as Courts in the United Kingdom, unlike Indian Courts, are unlikely to pass a judgment ordering the manager of a football club to be sacked.

Another proposal to combat the far greater financial resources of Arsenal fans came from Corbynites within the United ranks. The Corbynites believe that if Jeremy Corbyn could be convinced that the situation at Manchester United was a consequence of Capitalist oppression of football fans at the hands of Glazers, vast sections of which come from working class backgrounds, then the senior Labour leader would be more than willing to support their initiative.

Efforts are also being made to reach out to Bernie Sanders to garner his support for the same. Simultaneously, Brexiteers in the United ranks are trying to reach out to Nigel Farage to convince him that their club is being ruined by a network of Globalists in order to secure his support. Arsenal fans, although they are wary of these developments, are finally happy that they have more financial resources than United in at least one area. They are also optimistic that they will be able to prevent the appointment of Rahul Gandhi to replace Mikel Arteta.

Even so, Arsenal fans are looking for back-ups as well in case they fail to sign either Greta Thunberg or Yogendra Yadav. The primary candidates they have targeted are the ‘Shaheen Bagh’ dadis. However, that would require working Visas which should not prove to be too difficult, Arsenal fans reckon. However, a section of Arsenal fans are extremely unhappy about the suggestion as they believe it is precisely this mentality, of looking for cheap solutions to deep seated problems, that has gotten the club in such a mess in the first place.

A delegation of Barcelona fans is expected to arrive in England soon to meet Manchester United and Arsenal fans soon as well for tips on how to protest properly as their team has never been in such a poor run of form in recent times and their lack of experience means they are not quite sure about who or what to protest and how to protest effectively.

Note: This, of course, is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any incident that may incur in future is completely coincidental.

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K Bhattacharjee
Black Coffee Enthusiast. Post Graduate in Psychology. Bengali.

 

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