Former Congress president Rahul Gandhi is in contention to replace Mikel Arteta as the manager of Arsenal Football Club after the team is off to their worst start to a season in decades. The defeat at the North London Derby was the final nail in the coffin for Arteta’s tenure at the club and the Board is actively looking for replacements.
Consistent with the Arsenal Board’s desire to look for cheap solutions to deep seated problems, they have their eyes set on Rahul Gandhi who is excited to manage the team as it would involve a lot of travel to exotic locations. “I will get to travel to beautiful destinations in Europe for games and the team will have to travel a lot for league games as well. The job will be very exciting,” the scion of the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty is reported to have told his close aides within the party. His penchant for vacations abroad is, of course, well known.
Asked about how he intends to turn around the fortunes of Arsenal Football Club, Rahul Gandhi said that he intends to improving the results by empowering the women at the club. When it was pointed out that his answers were remarkably similar to the ones he offered at his interview with Arnab Goswami prior to the Lok Sabha elections in 2014, the perennially youth icon said that nobody was asking the fundamental questions at the club.
Rahul Gandhi also said that he was an alien in the environment he was in and a managerial position at Arsenal Football Club would provide him with the opportunity to fulfil his aspirations. Arsenal fans, however, are not convinced after going through his speeches on YouTube. “Look at him, Robbie. Forget about experience as a manager, he has not held any job in his entire life,” DT of Arsenal FanTV could be seen ranting on the YouTube fan channel.
Claude, who had a bitter split with Arsenal FanTV recently, said, “Umm… Aaah… This fella talks about producing potatoes at factories, mate, and we are going to get him as our manager. It’s like… I don’t even know what to say, mate.” Claude also regrets saying “It is time to go” for Mikel Arteta. Ty, however, widely respected as the most deluded fan in the history of Football, said that he will back Rahul Gandhi should he be appointed the manager of Arsenal football club.
Senior leaders of the Congress party maintained that Rahul Gandhi will continue the family tradition of never being appointed to a position of great influence due to his personal merit. They believe they will be able to help the politician to transform into a football manager by pulling some favours from high ranking officials, upholding the traditional Congress way of getting things done.
The only experience Rahul Gandhi has of playing football is in the Congress Premier League which is expected to prove useful at Arsenal. Senior Congress leaders do not believe the apparent lack of experience at professional football will work against him. “Look at Mikel Arteta, he has never managed a club before. But still, the Arsenal Board appointed him as manager, didn’t they?”
Highly placed sources told us that Rahul Gandhi plays as a forward in the Congress Premier League (CPL), a position he earned for himself as the son of Rajiv Gandhi and the grandson of Indira Gandhi and not necessarily due to his footballing abilities. The standards of the CPL are apparently quite high. Rahul Gandhi’s dog Piddy plays as a Center Back at RaGa Rangers. Opposition players are too scared to approach the goal for fear of being bitten. The team is currently sitting at the top of the league, having won all of its matches.
Rahul Gandhi has apparently scored 15 goals in 7 matches so far. The goalkeepers were hesitant to stop his shots as that would be counted as a political self goal. Top BJP leadership is distressed with the possibility of losing their star campaigner and all eyes are on Amit Shah to pull off a miracle at the last minute. The Union Home Minister is reportedly in touch with Sir Alex Ferguson to stall the appointment as the matter is well into ‘Fergie Time’.
Jose Mourinho is distressed as well given that he will lose his stature as the most entertaining manager in press conferences. Robbie of Arsenal FanTV, meanwhile, has made plans to buy 10 more luxury apartments after hearing the possible appointment of Rahul Gandhi. After watching some of the latter’s speeches, he is convinced that his YouTube channel will have more viewership than Netflix week in and week out. Sources, however, told us that this is a joke that is long past its sell by date, like Hector Bellerin and Granit Xhaka at Arsenal.
The only person who is genuinely happy, however, seems to be Shehzad Poonawalla. With Rahul Gandhi’s departure, he is confident that he will finally be able to fulfil his dream of contesting the elections for the post of Congress party president. Raihan Vadra, son of Priyanka Gandhi, however, has different plans. The other Poonawalla, Tehseen, is also happy as he expects to be appointed Rahul Gandhi’s media assistant at Arsenal.
Mesut Ozil believes that his career at Arsenal is over if the former Congress president is indeed appointed the manager of Arsenal Football Club. The footballer who has lost favour at the club in recent times became aware of the CCP’s links to the Congress party and since then, he has abandoned hope as he has taken a very harsh anti-China stance in the past.
Ozil fans, who are convinced that he was dropped due to his anti-China comments, believe that the imminent appointment of Rahul Gandhi as Arsenal manager further demonstrates the increasing influence of China in the management of the club. Meanwhile, Arsenal fans are planning a massive protest against the appointment. They have consulted professional protester Yogendra Yadav for expert advise and the Ichchhadhaari protester has agreed to join them as soon as his stint at the farmer protests are over.
Note: The above is a work of satire and ought to be taken as humour