Hua Chunying, spokesperson for the Foreign Ministry in China, has suggested that the Communist Party of China should be awarded “gold medals and medals” for its record on human rights. The demand comes at a time when efforts are being made to mount global pressure on the CPC for the concentration camps it has established in Xinjiang where it is reported that Uyghur Muslims have been locked up for ‘reeducation’.
Inspired by China’s demand, an English football fan who was captured on camera with flares inside his anus has demanded that he be awarded with a gallantry award for bravery. The fan argued that he demonstrated impeccable skills to pull off the unimaginable feat but cautioned that such stunts are performed by professions under expert guidance and should not be tried at home.
Meanwhile, Nike, the footwear manufacturing company and a renowned sports apparel brand, has decided to hire the English football fan as its brand ambassador. The CEO of the company says that his actions are a stunning advertisement for their tagline “Just do it”.
The fan was sad over England’s defeat against Italy in the Euro 2020 final but confessed that he could not participate in the proud British tradition of hooliganism because he could not get off his bed after the flare stunt. He said that if England manager Gareth Southgate was half as brave as him in his tactics during the match, and chose to use his attacking strength on the bench instead of his overly defensive approach, then England would have won the game.
When others told him that his actions were insane and downright stupid, the fan replied that it was surely not as foolish as letting Bukayo Saka take the 5th penalty in the shooutouts, a 19-year-old who had never taken any penalty in any competitive match at the highest level.
“If China can hope to win a gold medal for its human rights record, then why should I not expect to receive a gallantry award for bravery? You are out of your wits, mate,” he told a reported. When some questioned the Police for not arresting the man for public obscenity and such dangerous conduct in full public view, the Police said they already had too much on their hands, pointing towards a trashed restaurant.
China, meanwhile, has offered to counsel the man in one of their ‘reeducation camps’ in Xinjiang, and thereby further boost their human rights credentials. Hua Chunying also believed that the gesture would help garner goodwill for the CCP across the world.
Another man who was photographed naked on the streets with an England flag has been arrested for his conduct. He has offered to insert flares inside his anus as well to escape spending too much time in custody. He considers himself unlucky, complaining that the flare man is being treated as a national treasure while he faces an extended time in prison.
He argues that the flare stunt can be broadcast live across new channels, which will give people some joy and help them forget the tragic defeat in the Euro 2020 final. It’s unclear as of now whether his request will be accepted.
Note: The above article is a work of satire and should be treated as such.