US President Barrack Obama, delivered a sharp, witty speech at the annual White House Coresspondents dinner on Sunday. He took potshots at his rivals, the media and some jokes were reserved for his colleagues. Hillary Clinton too wasnt spared. What would happen if Narendra Modi gave a similar speech? Would it look something like this:
Good evening, everybody.
Welcome to the 7 RCR Correspondents’ dinner. A night when Lutyens Delhi celebrates itself. As opposed to all the other nights, umm when they celebrate themselves. And welcome to the 2nd year of my PMShip. It’s true — that’s Advani cheering. Still 4 years bro. Still 4 years.
The fact is I feel more loose and relaxed than ever. Those Harshvardhan shoulder massages — they’re like magic. You should try one. He will give it to you. Not like he is busy or something these days..
Anyway, being Prime Minister is never easy. I still have to fix a broken irrigation system, set up industries for everything, and negotiate with China and Pakistan. All while finding time to plot the attacks on minorities in India. Which is strenuous.
And it is no wonder that that people keep pointing out how the Prime Ministership has aged me. I look so old LK Advani ji called me uncle the other day.
Fact is though, at this point my legacy is finally beginning to take shape. The economy is getting better. Scams have disappeared. Foreign policy is on track. Rahul Gandhi has finally started working. You are welcome, Congress.
Look, it is true I have not managed to make everybody happy. An year into my Prime Ministership, some people still say I’m fascist, arrogant, narcissist. Some people are so dumb. Why do we even let them speak Amit Bhai. And that’s not all people say about me. Rahul Gandhi says he thinks I’m only interested in personal PR. Which is interesting because I think Rahul Gandhi is the biggest PR campaign of my lifetime. Quite a coincidence. I mean everybody’s got something to say these days.
You know, I just have to put this stuff aside. I have to stay focused on my job. Because for many Indians this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friend just a few weeks ago, he was holidaying in Bangkok and is now having to climb on top of Mountains.
Meanwhile, back here in our nation’s capital we’re always dealing with new challenges.
I want to thank our host for the evening, the incredibly talented Gappistan Radio. Sometimes Gappistan Radio writes fake news, which is surprising, because usually the only people writing fake news are the ones working for Times Of India.
NDTV is here, give them a big hand. Now why are you all looking at Arun Jaitley? I mean the actual employees of NDTV. Though its easy to get confused considering the amount of time Jaitley spends on NDTV.
As always, the reporters here had a lot to cover over the last year here in Delhi. The rising pollution levels in the capital. Air pollution is rocketing up. Noise pollution is terrible and that is when Arnab is in Mumbai.
But, of course, let’s face it, there is one issue on every reporter’s mind, and that is my Shawl. What is this man wearing?
It turns out Sagarika Ghose identified it as Louis Vuitton which you know took me 2 days to learn how to pronounce. Who said Indian media doesn’t force politicians to work.
In case anyone is wondering, I don’t have any ear piece today so you can carry on bitching about me in your pseudo-intellectual language, I won’t be able to understand. Plus, you won’t get bitch slapped on Twitter for saying I didn’t have an ear piece.
Lot of politicians here too. Lot of politicians.
We have MS Aiyar who is busy trying to find me on the tea counter. Hey Mani, I am up here!
We have Arvind Kejriwal so we didn’t keep any Raita on the menu tonight. Don’t want Arvind to take that as a personal insult and start a dharna tonight.
Janta Parivar is here. All of them and all of them are happy so I am assuming another one of Lalu’s children is getting married tonight.
And Prakash Karat is here. Still.
Anyway, it’s amazing how time flies. Soon, the Bihar elections will be upon us which will be the 1st big challenge for me since my last big challenge which was yesterday, an election for a Group Housing society President in Ahmedabad.
Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note. You know, I often joke about tensions between me and the press, but honestly, what they say doesn’t bother me. I understand we’ve got an adversarial system. Whatever I say, they have to oppose and that is fine because whatever media says, public believe opposite so eventually, people end up supporting me. Not rocket science Sonia ji. Just get Indian media to hate you and you will get 282.
Now that I got that off my chest — you know, investigative journalism, explanatory journalism, journalism that exposes corruption and justice gives voice to the different and the marginalized, the voiceless — that’s power. Imaginative journalism, gets TRPs.
These imaginative journalists serve as a public good, an indispensable pillar of our society, people who take us out of our boring lives into the world of fantasy. Thank you Indian Express, Scroll, Tehelka for your powerful imaginations and the joys they bring. I raise a glass to them, Glass of Nimbu Paani by the way, and to all of you, Jai Hind. Vande.. VANDE.. VANDEYY.. Chalo jaane do yaar, tumse na ho paayegaa.
(Modi’s speech, as imagined by Gappistan Radio)