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How to interpret the Election results like an enlightened genius

As there’s not much time left before the assembly election results of 5 states are fully clear. We decided to prep you about the way you should analyse the outcome so that people think of you as an enlightened genius. What is an enlightened genius? Well he is that guy who exhibits a variety of ideologies and thought processes. That is, he is a Right leaning thinker and at the same time also an Adarsh liberal. He is a Libertarian and at the same time also a socialist. He is a honest person and also at the same time an Arvind Kejriwal. So mixing up the above ideologies, here are the ways you can analyse the results:

1. Uttar Pradesh

We got you covered here.

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2. Punjab

With the Akali-BJP combine set to falter there are just three scenarios you need to contend with.

If Congress wins:

Credit the victory to Rahul Gandhi. Mention how Congress is not a spent force and still has some mojo left. Say that this will be the turning point for Congress in the run up to the 2019 Lok Sabha polls. Perhaps, Rahul Gandhi has finally come of age? Mention how AAP could have won instead of the Congress if Kejriwal had said he would turn Delhi into Canada in one year. This is also a vote against demonetisation and Modi, hence Modi must resign.

If AAP wins:

Talk about how people in Punjab have rejected the freebie culture as they have voted to bring in a party which has failed to fulfill freebie schemes like free Wi-Fi among others. You can also mention the fact that Non Resident Indians(NRI’s) have had a lot of influence on the elections which is evident from the fact that they have elected a party which has a Non-Resident CM. Comment about how Punjab might be progressing from having a drug menace to having an alcoholic as a menace. This is also a vote against demonetisation and Modi, hence Modi must resign.

If hung assembly:

In this case go into a Adarsh Liberal narrative by stating how the state would now be at the mercy of Narendra Modi. Throw around the phrases like Governor’s rule is a blow to democracy. Mention the word EVM a lot which might insinuate some kind of voter fraud perpetrated by the BJP. This is also a vote against demonetisation and Modi, hence Modi must resign.

3. Goa

If BJP wins:

Well of course the EVMs were rigged. No other way BJP could have won. You can also mention how the Defence Minister Parrikar is in Goa virtually every other weekend, thus BJP has won only because of him. Say the election was fought on local issues and demonetisation and Modi had no bearing on the results.

If Congress wins:

Repeat the lines from Congress winning Punjab. Rahul Gandhi must be brought in to take credit yet again. Mention how communal forces have defeated the BJP. This is also a vote against demonetisation and Modi, hence Modi must resign.

4. Manipur:

First go to the internet and lookup the capital of Manipur. After doing that, randomly approach people after ensuring they are not from Manipur and offer to analyse Manipur’s results. If someone responds negatively, launch into the tirade about how the N-E states don’t get their due.

If BJP wins:

Say that the BJP has transformed itself into a pan Indian party. Comment how at this rate, you now expect the BJP to even form a government in Bhutan. If the recipient laughs and agrees, chide him for harbouring an imperialistic agenda of invading and undermining the sovereignty of a fellow nation. Say the election was fought on local issues and demonetisation and Modi had no bearing on the results.

If Congress wins:

Repaat the Punjab and Goa lines for Congress. Then comment about how people were awed by Rahul Gandhi’s charisma when he professed his wish to see Made in Manipur pineapple juice selling in London. Say that the BJP has failed to transform itself into a pan Indian party. This is also a vote against demonetisation and Modi, hence Modi must resign.

5. Uttarakhand: 

If BJP wins: 

Use the technique of deflection. Even if BJP manages to win Uttarakhand and all states except Punjab, conclude that there is no Modi wave left. Then say if there was, then how come it had failed to impact the important state of Punjab. Say the election was fought on local issues and demonetisation and Modi had no bearing on the results.

If Congress wins:

Channel your euphoria into a streamlined train of thought. Mention how Rahul Gandhi is Prince Hector reborn. Talk about the lack of strong regional leadership of the BJP which prevented it from winning the state. Ensure that all the credit for the victory goes to the Gandhi family and not the incumbent CM Harish Rawat. This is also a vote against demonetisation and Modi, hence Modi must resign.

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