The Congress party issued a statement on Twitter recently that could only be described as utterly bewildering. It claimed that the BJP had “gone on record to support Pakistan in its attempts to fuel divisive politics in India.”
BJP – a party that claims to work in ‘National Interest’ has now officially gone on record to support Pakistan in its attempts to fuel divisive politics in India.
Is there no limit to their desperation for political mileage? #BJPSupportsPakistan
— Congress (@INCIndia) August 28, 2019
We, at OpIndia.com, are not entirely sure what this tweet meant considering the fact that it was former Congress President and son of the current Congress President, Rahul Gandhi, whose words were quoted by Pakistan to further its agenda on Kashmir at the United Nations.
As far as we are aware, the BJP had only slammed the Congress party for indulging in irresponsible rhetoric that undermined Indian national interests. Apart from people associated with the BJP, ordinary people too were extremely perturbed by the Congress’ stance on the matter.
Unable to make much headway on the issue, OpIndia.com approached subject-matter experts to help us decipher the Congress party’s cryptic tweet. First on our list was ACP Pradyuman of the CID. After hearing us out, he said gravely, “Iska matlab samjhe, Daya? Dal me kuch kaala nahi, poori Dal hi kaali hai (Do you understand, Daya? It isn’t that there’s something black in the Dal, the whole Dal is black).” He wouldn’t say anything further.
We then approached noted intellectual Rarundhati Oy to help us understand Congress’ logic behind the tweet. She said, “It is an ugly manifestation of the toxic and fragile masculinity and the overarching heteronormativity of the Patriarchal Colonial Indian State that refuses to recognize the autonomy and the free expression of the intrinsically diverse populace of Kashmir and their sexuality that is demonstrated both in the BJP’s comments and the Congress’ response to it.” Noting that her explanation was even more confusing than the Congress party’s tweet, we realized we had to move on to greener pastures.
Unfortunately for us, Chacha Chaudhury’s brain, which is reputed to work faster than a Computer, suffered a system failure after the tweet was read out to him. Five minutes later, we were informed by NASA that a volcano had erupted in Jupiter. Thanos, on the other hand, threatened to wipe out half the planet after hearing the Congress party’s tweet. Harry Potter told us that he wished Voldemort had killed him.
Aliens from the Andromeda Galaxy were unavailable for comments. ET regretted ever coming to Earth after we approached them. Jadoo from Koi Mil Gaya told us that there wasn’t enough Dhoop (sunshine) in our solar system for him to be able to decipher the tweet. Founder of SpaceX and CEO of Tesla, Elon Musk, said, “This is why aliens won’t talk to us.” Joe Rogan suggested that we try Ayahuasca for an answer to the question but we decided it wasn’t in our best interests.
Controversial journalist Alex Jones believed the Congress party was responsible for Jeffery Epstein’s suicide after reading the tweet. Intriguingly enough, the FBI and the CIA were of the same opinion and told us that they would treat the Congress party’s twitter handle as a national mental health hazard henceforth. The Clintons, meanwhile, were just glad that they were off the hook and were too interested in partying than answering our question. Popular conservative commentator Ben Shapiro said his FACTS and LOGIC were no match for the Congress party’s tweet. Clinical Psychologist Jordan Peterson told us we should clean our rooms before attempting to decipher that tweet.
Closer home, IITian and Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal told us, “Sab milay huay hain ji (Everyone is involved in this).” Mamata Banerjee and Naveen Patnaik were more concerned with which state gets the credit for Rosogolla than the content of the tweet, they cut the phone promising to send over a bucket of Rosogollas for the entire OpIndia team. Popular actor and now Lok Sabha MP, Sunny Deol, told us that “uprooting that goddamned handpump was way easier than this”.
When we posed the question to the CBI, they passed the question to P. Chidambaram, who is currently in their custody. Chidambaram promised to answer the question in lieu of his release, but the CBI would have none of it. “This is exactly the kind of transaction you tend to attempt that has landed you here in the first place,” we heard them tell the senior Congress leader as we prepared to take our leave.
Despite our best efforts, we were unable to find what Congress exactly meant when it said the BJP had supported Pakistan. Next, we intend to approach Tony Stark to help us with Time Travel so that we could go back in time and pose the question to some eminent personalities from the past. We hope that Albert Einstein or Nicola Tesla will have the answers we seek.