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China offers to treat Timatar Reporter at one of their ‘reeducation camps’ after his latest rant

Noted panelist on Memri raised his shoe and said, "This is my only comment. A worn-out shoe is my only comment."

The ‘Tauba Tauba’ journalist is back again, this time with a rant on Kashmir. In a recent video, he has appealed the Pakistani Prime Minister Imran Khan to drop atom bombs in New Delhi. Earlier, he had boasted of Pakistani being an ‘Atami taakat’ but rued the fact that India had stopped ‘timatar’ supplies to the terror state.

He said, “This is a ‘Tauba Tauba’ situation, today it has been 27 days since the curfew has been imposed in Kashmir. People are waiting for medicines, the sick are waiting to get to the hospital, people are not getting water and electricity, people don’t have internet and mobile services. This is Tauba Tauba situation, Indian Forces have imposed a curfew for 27 days.”

“In this situation, I’d like to appeal to Imran Khan and Pakistan Force that they should immediately attack Kashmir and drop an atom bomb on Delhi. Atom bomb should be thrown on Delhi and other cities of India. This is a Tauba Tauba situation and Indian Forces must be taught a lesson that if Kashmir is in sorrow, then every Indian child must feel the pain,” the Tauba Tauba reporter added.

In unrelated news, according to reports, 50 million Pakistanis were said to be suffering from mental health issues as of 2016. The psychological effect of the abrogation of Article 370 on the mental health of Pakistanis is yet to be evaluated.

Reactions have been pouring in on the Tauba Tauba reporter’s ridiculous rant. Himesh Reshammiya roared, “Mujhe tere ghar me timatar chahiye, garibi nahi! (I want tomatoes in your home, not poverty!”. Bollywood superstar Akshay Kumar thundered, “Aaj meri pagri bhi Kesari, jo bahega mera lahoo bhi Kesari, aur mera jawaab bhi Kesari! (Today, my turban is Saffron, my blood that will flow is Saffron and my answer is also Saffron!)”.

Mithun Chakraborty said, “Laat maarbo ekhaney, Laash porbey shoshaney! (I will kick you here and your body will land straight in the crematorium!).” Noted singer Kailash Kher said, “Tauba tauba tauba uff, Tauba tauba tauba uff, Tauba tauba tauba uff, Tauba tauba tauba, Tauba tauba ve teri surat, Masha-e-allah ve teri surat, Tauba tauba ve teri surat, Masha-e-allah ve teri surat, Tuenu jera mere liye, Rab ne banaya mere yaara, Dildaara dise rab da nazara.” We don’t quite understand what he meant.

The Supreme Court of India, too, was concerned with the rhetoric and raised the matter with the apex court of Pakistan. When it learned that the Pakistani apex court couldn’t comment on such matters, it was surprised. “Strange. Here in India, the government can’t even deport illegal immigrants before we have first heard at least a dozen PILs,” one judge observed ruefully.

BBC took cognizance of Timatar Reporter’s comments and, after much debate and deliberation, came to the conclusion that Hindu Nationalism was responsible for the Pakistani’s genocidal rhetoric. New York Times, in an editorial, accused the Indian government of committing genocide not only in Kashmir but also in Pakistan. “India’s actions have created a mental health crisis in Pakistan that needs immediate attention from the World Health Organization. The recent comments made by Timatar Reporter ought to be seen in that light.”

China has meanwhile offered to treat Timatar Reporter at one of their ‘reeducation camps’. Hillary Clinton has requested Pakistan to desist from the attack as the first victims of war are primarily women because they are left without husbands. The Democrat party issued a similar statement where it said it was useless to nuke New Delhi as the city was not dominated by White Males.

Beto O’Rourke, a Presidential aspirant who is known to speak in Spanish during debates to reach out to Hispanics, said, “Despacito , Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito, Deja que te diga cosas al oído, Para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo.” Vladimir Putin reportedly called Narendra Modi to enquire whether India wanted some Russian interference to deal with Pakistan. The Indian PM has apparently declined the offer as he doesn’t want another Mueller Report.

Noted panelist on Memri raised his shoe and said, “This is my only comment. A worn-out shoe is my only comment.”

Image result for this shoe is my only comment memri

Another panelist told Timatar Reporter, “By Allah, Behave Yourself. I will give you a taste of my shoe.”

Image result for by allah behave yourself

Naruto only said ‘Dattebayo!’. Uzumaki Deidara said, “Art is an EXPLOSION!” It is hereby clarified that OpIndia.com does not endorse such violent rhetoric. Voldemort refused to comment on the matter but told us that his spokesperson, Peter Pettigrew, would soon issue a statement. When we inquired where we would find Wormtail, he told us Pettigrew was recently spotted in the Supreme Court, arguing for a senior Congress leader. We aren’t sure who he meant.

Image result for kapil sibal wormtail

Manchester United fans were seen outside Old Trafford urging Ed Woodward and the Glazers to take a trip to New Delhi after Timatar Reporter’s video went viral. Arsenal fans, meanwhile, enquired whether they could send their owners to New Delhi on the same flight as well since their club, apparently, doesn’t have enough funds after the transfer window.

People in India are glad that they will be able to celebrate Diwali properly this time as firecrackers were banned by the Supreme Court last year. “It’s a genuine goodwill gesture that will promote peace and harmony between the two countries,” said Javed Akhtar. Arvind Kejriwal claimed credit for it and said that it was because of the Aam Aadmi Party that people will be able to celebrate Diwali with firecrackers this year.

When reminded that Timatar Reporter was talking about nuclear bombs and not firecrackers, the IITian Delhi CM said, “Hum gadhey nahi hai ji. Atom bomb bola na, hum jaantey hain atom bomb kya hota hai, bachpan me hum bhi khoob phora kartey the (We are not donkeys. We know what an atom bomb is, we used to burst them in our childhood too).”

Meanwhile, Imran Khan has taken the words of Timatar Reporter seriously and phoned Daenerys Targaryen to request her to lend one of her dragons to drop an atom bomb on New Delhi. It appears that Imran Khan, like Jon Snow, knows nothing. The Dragon Queen was recently assassinated by Jon Snow for the greater good.

Former Pakistani Cricketer and permanently retired finally, Shahid Afridi, implored Imran Khan to see reason and said that there was no need for nuclear war and the Kashmir issue can be resolved through another Twitter battle with Gautam Gambhir. He promised to direct more mean tweets at the current BJP Lok Sabha MP and former Indian cricketer. Timatar Reporter’s incendiary remark had resulted in marital problems for Shoaib Malik, hence, he was unavailable for comments.

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K Bhattacharjee
Black Coffee Enthusiast. Post Graduate in Psychology. Bengali.

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