Rahul Gandhi is extremely displeased after senior Congress leader Randeep Surjewala announced that 99.9.% people within the Congress party want the scion of the Nehru-Gandhi dynasty to be appointed party president. Rahul Gandhi has claimed that it is part of a well thought-out conspiracy by the BJP to prevent him from vacationing abroad.
Earlier, Surjewala had announced that the Congress party will soon initiate the process of electing its new party president. The decision was taken keeping in mind that if the elections are not held soon, then the tenure of Sonia Gandhi as ‘interim party president’ will soon exceed Rahul Gandhi’s whose position she was filling in temporarily.
Party will soon start the procedure to elect a new party president. Electoral college of Congress, AICC members, Congress workers & members will choose who's best suited. 99.9% of people including me want Rahul Gandhi to be elected as party president: Randeep Surjewala, Congress pic.twitter.com/FHlybFgcKK— ANI (@ANI) December 18, 2020
Meanwhile, Kapil Sibal is angry as well since he believes it is part of Surjewala’s sinister designs to put an end to his acting career before it began. Since Rahul Gandhi quit as the president of the Congress party, Sibal has been trying to pursue his passions outside of politics, where he believes his talent actually lies. But now that the former president looks poised to make a return, he fears that he will be summoned again to actually run the party from the shadows once again.
Kapil Sibal was planning to audition for the role of Peter Pettigrew, a Voldemort pet, in the Bollywood remake of the Harry Potter movies. Sibal was convinced that he would be selected for the role due to his close resemblance with the actor who played the role in the original Harry Potter movies and also because of his great real-life experience in serving She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in the Congress party.
Ramchandra Guha, meanwhile, was heard screaming wildly at his residence after Surjewala made the announcement. The fiction writer had only recently declared that the Gandhi family must quit politics since their presence only helps strengthen the Hindutva movement. He was later spotted at Yogendra Yadav’s house amid speculations that the Ichchhadhaari protester would be roped in to protest the reappointment of Rahul Gandhi.
Surjewala, meanwhile, was well aware that the former Congress president was not on board with the idea of returning as the Congress president. But he believes that he has a remedy for that affliction. He intends to hire Shah Rukh Khan as Gandhi’s personal motivational coach after watching the actor’s performance in ‘Chak De! India’. Surjewala is also convinced that Rahul Gandhi will make a return if a dedicated team of Congress workers performs ‘Nadaan Parinde Ghar Aaja’ from the movie Rockstar in front of Gandhi’s residence for three days straight.
Leader of the Congress party in the Lok Sabha, Adhir Ranjan Chowdhury, on the other hand, has landed himself in trouble, as he so often does, by talking a bit too much. After hearing the news on television, he reportedly confided in a Congress leader, “Gadha ke mere Ghodha korte parbey ki? (Can you turn an ass into a horse by thrashing it?)” Chowdhury said that in reference to Gandhi, who he appears to believe is a lost cause when it comes to politics.
The unhappiest person, undoubtedly, was Plurals Party chief Pushpam Priya Choudhary. She believed that with Rahul Gandhi on the verge of quitting politics, she would be the undisputed youth icon in Indian politics. But with his return being imminent, it appears that she will have to wait till 50 to become a youth icon herself.
The only happy person in this overall sad situation is Tehseen Poonawala who is overjoyed at the prospect. He is throwing a party to celebrate the event. Shehzad Poonawala is also expected to attend the party. Sources close to Tehseen informed us that he invited his brother only after the latter produced a written affidavit confirming that he will not contest the party elections against Rahul.
Journalists are also happy with the development. Rahul Gandhi’s appointment means that the Congress party will have to invest heavily in media management to prevent further embarrassment to the party. Job security and employment opportunities for journalists in the mainstream media suddenly look much better than it ever has since the Coronavirus pandemic began.
Meanwhile, other senior Congress leaders are checking Surjewala’s travel history to see whether he has met Amit Shah in recent times. Some have also suggested putting him in some resort after the made the announcement.
Note: The above is a work of satire and should be taken in humour