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HomeVarietySatireJNU research scholar finds out the secret plan of Modi-Shah around NRC

JNU research scholar finds out the secret plan of Modi-Shah around NRC

I feel compelled to share this investigation that my friends from JNU and I, a veteran PhD scholar in ‘Medieval Art History of Uganda’ at JNU have come up with. I have seen generations of students come to JNU, wanting a membership into our intellectual society, wanting to be a part of our nightly investigation sessions, only to fail miserably in our tough standards

And finally, we figured it out. The cat is out of the bag. We have unearthed the wicked conspiracy of the Brahminical duo of Modi-Shah to disenfranchise Indian Muslims via NRC. Yeah yeah, I know that Modi isn’t a Brahmin. But here, I mean it metaphorically. This hegemony of facts suits the plebian readers of Swarajya or Opindia. In an intellectual society, the emotional construct behind the secular fabric of India trumps over the bourgeoise concepts of logic and reason. “Down with reason”, as we often say at AISA. The luxury of artificial social constructs like logic are meant for the privileged few. What about the members of SFI and AISA?

Coming back to the point, I feel compelled to share this investigation that my friends from JNU and I, a veteran PhD scholar in ‘Medieval Art History of Uganda’ at JNU have come up with. I have seen generations of students come to JNU, wanting a membership into our intellectual society, wanting to be a part of our nightly investigation sessions, only to fail miserably in our tough standards, and eventually deciding to become corporate slaves. The engineering students are the worst. They just don’t have the taste for the abstract humanism. Always worried about precision and nonsense like that. But we, Ajit, Shonali and I, still have kept the intellectual society going. For nearly three decades.

As our ritual, we meet every night to enjoy the scent of lightly burning organic, home-grown, dried leaves of a particular plant that we roll into a thin paper. The scent helps us achieve a transcendental state of mind where the material world around us ceases to matter. In that state, we often gaze into the future of India ruled by our revolutionary brethren. While the dream is yet to come to fruition—one day it will—yesterday was special. We were taken to the future, deep into the nefarious designs of Modi-Shah to banish the innocent Muslims—which is all the Muslims—out of this country. We could see it through our eyes, and here, we share it with you.

How will CAA+NRC make Indian Muslims stateless, you must have wondered? Here is what we saw. We are in January 2021. An NRC begins. Government officials are instructed to go through the country with a special biometric collection device. Each individual, Hindu or Muslim, gives his fingerprint along with their documents. NRC happens very smoothly. Not one person is actually rejected. Everyone is told that their documentation is correct and they are now Indian citizens. They can enjoy all the rights and so on.

Read: Modi government dispels myths about NRC: Here are 13 FAQs and their answers published by the govt

The game is elsewhere. It happens after NRC.

We are in December 2021. The list of all the citizens in this country is already prepared. It is stored in a supercomputer at 7 Race Course Road, the place where the fascist not-my-prime-minister lives. On one cold night in Delhi, Modi and Shah enter the room. They have announced that they will be inaccessible for three days. Everyone around thinks that they must be out on some very important mission, on some secret task of securing India—an artificial nation-state in the first place, but let that be. But, here they are, in that room.

They turn the computer on. They are prompted for a password. Of course, it is “HinduRashtra2002”. They are in. They open Microsoft Excel—another capitalist invention of the twentieth century that discriminates against the numerically differently-abled intellectuals.

And there it is. The list of all the citizens of India. Modi-Shah start from the top, the president. And scan for any Muslim name. 1.3 billion people! They go through them all, day and night, three nights non-stop. Sleepless. Almost like how some of our comrades write PhD theses in Sociology at JNU when the draconian administration tramples upon their Right-to-indefinite-stay-in-hostels, and after the UPSC commission’s oppressive examinations reject them for years.

And then, at the end of the three nights, the mission is accomplished!

Every single Muslim except Shami Mohammad is deleted, and he too will be if he stops taking wickets, said Shah to Modi. Here is what actually happened.

When the biometrics were collected, the device actually had a special system wherein a chip would be installed in a person’s finger that they wouldn’t know about. The chip had a kill trigger developed by another Brahminical organization, ISRO. By sending the right command, the chip would instantly kill a person by poisoning him.

That is what Modi-Shah did. The special excel sheet in the supercomputer had this function. Whenever you delete an entry for a person, the person would be deleted in reality. Not just that, the chip would do so in a matter that the person would instantly evaporate. No trace left. As Kevin Spacey says in The Usual Suspect, “And like that, he’s gone”. Vanished!

At the end of the third night, the duo gets up, wink at each other. Shah presents a bouquet to Modi as a gesture of their achievement. And they leave the room.

Anybody from the media or any other organization that questioned the sudden disappearance of Muslims would also be deleted. A few journalists did try to raise their voice and they too disappeared “mysteriously”. Nobody ever questioned them after that.

We wanted to look more into the future of how far did Modi-Shah go. But, the trance induced by dried leaves has its limits. The effects started wearing off, and slowly, we were brought back to the drudgeries of the world around us. But, what we saw sent chills down our spine.

Must one wait till all of this happens? Of course not, get up and protest! I am about to leave for one too, near Jantar Mantar. A friend told me that quite a few attractive women attend these protests. So perhaps I need to succumb to the artificially laid out standards of aestheticism by taking a shower today. Down with the hegemony of cleanliness…

(The author is a dara-hua-conservative who tweets by the handle @chunandan)

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