Rahul Gandhi introspected, this time truly, on what he can do to seriously take on BJP and RSS. His jibes had fallen flat, or worse, ricocheted. So, Rahul had this brilliant idea one morning when he woke up at night, that he would read Gita and Upanishads.
There was a little problem though. Who would teach him to read? To read Gita that is.
Rahul first met his closest advisor, Digvijay Singh.
RaGa: Digvijay ji, tell me about Gita.
Diggy (without hesitation): sau taka tunch maal, Rahul ji!
RaGa (shaking his head): Bhagvad Gita!
Diggy (at a loss): Bhagwat? Why don’t we release a book “Gita ki Saazish”? I will invite Mahesh and Zakir too.
Exasperated by this farrago of misunderstanding, machinations, and perversion masquerading as serious politics, Rahul decided to reach out to an erudite Shashi Tharoor.
RaGa: Shashi, can you tell me about Gita?
ST: The figmental yet philosophical prestidigitation that the deity with pavonine plume on his diadem…
Not happening boss, Rahul said to himself. He wanted a simpler teacher. So that left Manish Tewari out. Rahul then talked to Mani Shankar Aiyar.
RaGa: Mani, Diggi and Tharoor couldn’t tell me about Gita. Can you help me out?
MSA: I told you, Rahul ji, inhe hataaiye humein le aaiye..
RaGa: laayeing laayeinge, pahle aap humein bataiye..
MSA: Rahul ji, instead of teaching you what the terrible troglodytes talked about, why don’t we meet the descendants of Duryodhana?
Rahul shook his head and decided to look beyond his party now. He thought of his new friend, Stalin.
Stalin: Gita is an Aryan conspiracy to impose Inthi on…
Rahul fled before Stalin could explain how “Stalin” is a lovely Dravidian name. Just like his father’s.
The Congress vice president then went to meet comrade Sitaram Yechury. The CPM leader was with a Youth Congress leader when Rahul arrived. On seeing the party vice president, the 64-year old was excited and fell on Rahul’s feet. Yechury did a Lal Salaam.
A dead animal was lying on the ground, hacked and bloody. An NDTV journo was calling it an “ox” for some reason. Rahul was not bothered. He was determined to learn Gita, and Sitaram was his new hope.
RaGa: Yechury ji, do you know about Gita?
Yechury (tapping on his iPhone): Comrade, Gita says that eating beef is a fundamental right.
It was frustrating now. He needed someone who could understand him better. Finally he thought about his family, and so he turned to Robbert Vadra.
RaGa: Jijaji, can you tell me about Gita lessons?
Vadra: Same Gita that was narrated during the battle Kurukshetra? It has important lessons. Duryodhana was a genius man, took the whole land away.
Rahul was seriously worried now. That smile that he had after 2014 defeat was gone now. No one was helping him learn Gita to take over BJP. He then decided that he should talk to someone who is RW (Right Winger) and yet willing to help him out.
After a few weeks he was ready, a new Rahul. The dimples were deeper, the smile was sweeter, and the kurta was whiter with more holes.
He declared he was ready to take on BJP and RSS. Party workers and independent journalists danced in joy. A big rally was announced. All news channels were ready to beam it live. Even Narendra Modi and Amit Shah huddled together and switched on the TV.
Armed with Gita lessons, and bonus Upanishads lessons learnt from his last guru, Rahul went on stage and thundered.
“Do you know what the Gita says? Sangostavakarmani. Do you know what it means? The Sangh makes money.”
“You know there is a whole Upanishad called Isa which is about living cordially with Christians? RSS doesn’t want you to know this.”
“Even Buddha said, sangham saranam gachhami. You know what it means? Pray that the Sangh goes away. RSS doesn’t want you to know this.”
Modi and Shah were utterly awed as Rahul threw such gems at the unsuspecting public. They knew he was their asset, but this was just awesome. They looked at each other and smiled.
After finding out that even this bookish ploy of defeating BJP and RSS didn’t work, Rahul Gandhi never ever worked with Rahul Easwar again.
Author of “Twisted Threads”, a satirical book on power, politics, and pollution set in the post-2014 era about connected machines and disconnected ideologies.