Friday, November 27, 2020
Home Variety Satire Beyond the moat and the high gates

Beyond the moat and the high gates

A satirical take on the conversation taking place at 10, Janpath, perhaps.

The Matriarch put her fork down.
~So, you’ve got the anticipatory bail? Good.
Our friends & employees are working hard to create the perception that the crimes and misdeeds of Are-You-Serious? are his alone.
They will paint a picture that Heir-Spare has stuck by him through thick & thin, devotedly brazening out & brushing off the allegations & controversies involving Are-You-Serious?

The image of your cotton saris in dusty Amethi, your sacrificing Madre (me), your dear departed father & grandmother always hovering in soft focus in the background will be subliminally conveyed to the country.

I know its not working very well because these people are now very cynical but as I have learnt over the many years, Indians like my compatriots are pliable to grease & graft and we just might pull it off.

Unfortunately, the persona of Are-You-Serious? is such that with his pink pants or the ones matching his Aston Martin can’t easily be hidden away.
And I’m told he goes around Delhi saying
~Tu Jaanta Nahi Meri Saas Kaun Hai? ~

Really, Are-You-Serious? you have brought too much attention to yourself.

Considering you come from no ‘lineage’ so to speak, we thought you would make yourself useful in some way to La Famiglia.

We got the best in the business to create those companies that do no business.
We opened the doors of real estate giants for you.
Two CMs bent backwards to help with your business expansion plans.
We bought that monstrous looking, concrete hotel in the heart of the capital.
We even asked you to bring your friends in when we were procuring fighter planes….
Do you believe that someone in an ordinary business trying his hand in costume jewelry could reach here without us?
Please remember your place~

Are-You-Serious? looked suitably chastened and The Matriarch showed her irritation by spearing her cannelloni- the recipe of which was being sent out to at least two top journalists.

~ As they say there is no perfect murder & no perfect heist~ she continued.
~ The one mistake, you my Son in Law have made, was not keeping to the perfect script.
Your visibility & your So Fcuking What? Attitude in neon trousers will have to be compensated by Heir-Spare in her cotton saris copiously crying vendetta! Remember we have to bring up all the stories of how they hounded me, your mother, your father, your grandmother!
I mean, these people just won’t allow us to make a living!

~Look at me. Do I have a car? No.
Does anyone know if I have my own house in this country? No.
Not that I need one when we have practically every fifth property in Lutyen’s Delhi but…. ~

Heir-Spare interjects ~But Mama you wanted those helicopters & see where that got us? If you had bought a few fighter aircrafts too they would have shut up.
So, don’t get angry at him. He hasn’t spent his life in fortresses. He likes going out, flaunting it, pumping it.

By the way, I’ve booked appointments with a dentist on Harley’s street for fixing sonny’s teeth. Could you have those offices which conduct no business book us a flight & a hotel suite for a month? ~

Are-You-Serious? immediately on his feet offers ~Sweetie, they haven’t sealed those offices which do no work as yet so I’ll have them book you on a flight to Dubai from where you can take the plane parked & ready on the tarmac to where ever you want.

~Dubaiiii! ~ Screeched The Matriarch
~They are picking up people from Dubai & you want her to go there? ~

~Okay, okay. Directly to London then and I will call Jeeves at Canneston Square to let him know you’re coming~

~What?!? How can I use a plane & a mansion that are not ours~? Asks wide eyed Heir-Spare.

The Matriarch smiles ~ Heir-Spare, they believe you are more intelligent than your brother. Please act the part~

~But. But. I thought they were borrowed …~ stammers Heir-Spare

~Borrowed like your brother’s jacket? Naah! Ours sweetie. All ours… ~ Are-You-Serious? expansively includes everyone on the table.

~Goody! Now at least we won’t have to slum it out at the Ritz~

The Matriarch gently turns to her daughter ~ Mio caro, this is good time to tell you that the luxury cars you own, worth several crores & the homes you own also come from the offices that do no work~

~That’s interesting~

~Do you know that your personal wealth is estimated at about 450 crores and your brother, you and I have never done a day’s work in our lives…. ~

~450 crores? Is that it? Then we must win 2019! But after the Budget yesterday it does seem a little difficult. I still haven’t understood why these people are so excited about Rs.6000/-?!~

The Matriarch looks out of the window at the verdant lawns, the flowers, the shrubbery, the retinue of gardeners…
~There is so much to lose. Wazir has explained the dangers of this Budget to The Heir. Though he has begun to attack it, his expressions during the Presentation have done us so much damage.
I don’t know what to do with you children? All my work can go to waste…. ~

The one thing that would have struck anyone listening to this conversation is the grace & culture that we have come to expect from La Famiglia. Speaking of ill-gotten wealth in English with a European accent can only add sheen after all.

Seeing them enjoy a simple meal amidst silver cutlery and candelabra, Royal Doulton or is it Villroy & Boch crockery on pristine damask could bring tears to the eyes of the most hardened. Their special touch & connection with the unwashed masses remains a mystery on which reams have been expended.

That’s exactly what a jaded literary critic in BullSh*t writes “voters appreciate in leaders the promise of humility and common touch that Heir-Spare has over the PMs arrogance & swagger”

~ Mio caro, remember to ask them to pack some ordinary bone china when you decide to drop in ‘unannounced’ for a meal with a farmer’s family in Amethi. You are the last arrow in our quiver now & so much depends upon you~

To distract themselves from the unimaginable that awaited them, The Matriarch tells her daughter
~Let’s read more of what they are saying about you Heir-Spare.
We have held back all those promising second generation dynasts so that you & your brother are not overshadowed.
Trust your brother to almost forget to mention that royal while announcing your name. But then poor boy – his mind wanders & his attention span is limited~

~I always say Democracy is not for Indians. They love powerful Kings, Queens and bending over~

Her eyes flitted over the fare of cheeses from across the world, the most succulent cuts & the choicest of wine sent from the vineyards of Tuscany.

She smirked ~ These people in government now probably think that gruel, that Kitchdi is God’s own culinary delight! Ha! ~

Spare-Heir reads out a beautiful paean –
~ This one says since I share my birthday with Swami Vivekanand so great things await me. Wow! It couldn’t get better! They absolutely love me Mama!
Don’t you worry I will save us all! ~

The Matriarch finally smiles when she pulls out another glowing article
~Loving mother! Tiger enthusiast! Heir Spare, in no time these people will forget Are-You-Serious? Has taken anticipatory bail & all the trouble he has caused us~

Not to be left behind Are-You-Serious? reads
“Not only does Heir-Spare listen, she listens to how others listen…”

~What does that even mean? ~ he asks.

~It takes a Renaissance Man to understand that~ says Slick-Flick making an entry.

~I’m working on sending out this message~

~In simple English I hope, Slick-Flick ~ the Matriarch smiles

~Simple enough~
With a flick of his hair, he reads it with great flourish

~Friends! Indians! Countrymen!
We’ve been ruled down the ages by one dynasty or the other, followed by British colonization that broke our spine & our spirit.
Keeping with that great tradition we offered you another dynasty that has mastered the art of governance learnt so well from our predecessors.
What more can we poor natives expect? Only the largesse & the goodwill of The Famiglia.
Its indeed our privilege to have these good-looking siblings lead us into the 18th century, oops! 21st century!
Whose empty top storey, we can surely overlook because all the stalwarts of the extended family will be there to hold their hand, guide them & of course take the bullet if necessary.
Moreover, they are offering us a very good deal & we all know how Indians love a good bargain.

~Forget about the minor pilferage & give your vote of confidence to one so that you get two for the same vote~

This is where Are-You-Serious? interjected excitedly

~And also, me for free~

~What vill ve do with heem?!~

  Support Us  

Whether NDTV or 'The Wire', they never have to worry about funds. In name of saving democracy, they get money from various sources. We need your support to fight them. Please contribute whatever you can afford

Related Articles

Trending now

Minor gang-raped, forced conversion to Islam, threats, caste abuse: Details of 11 cases in which UP SIT, formed to probe Love Jihad, found criminality

To curb growing menace of Love Jihad, Kanpur police under guidance of the Yogi govt in Uttar Pradesh formed an SIT

Congress party’s Lucknow office locked by employees over non-payment of salaries, office-bearers blocked from entering the office

Protesting against the Congress party for unpaid salaries, the upset staffers and the employees locked up the gates of the Congress office

Aziz Burney’s ’26/11 RSS ki Saazish’: Read how the Congress-favourite Urdu journalist gave Pakistan a clean chit and blamed Indian Army

Through his articles, Burney had tried to give a clean chit to terror-state of Pakistan by claiming that it was not the ISI or LeT that was behind the attack, but the RSS with covert support from Mossad and the CIA.

Caravan Magazine asked us about our coverage on Wikipedia and its Left bias – Here is our detailed response

OpIndia coverage of Wikipedia lies started after Delhi Riots and Caravan Magazine, with its strong Left bias, is clearly not happy about it

‘Sant’ Rampal’s devotees have been flooding social media to tell Muslims how they don’t know Islam. Read bizarre details

Born in 1951 as Rampal Singh Jatin in Punjab, the 69-year-old self-styled godman is currently lodged in Hisar central jail for murder charges.

Odisha: Largest ever vigilance raid in state unearths massive wealth gathered by IFS officer, fancy cars, ultra-luxurious lifestyle

Pathak's family reportedly owns a lavish apartment in Bhubaneswar with Italian marble flooring, ivory furnitures and other luxuries. The son is engaged to an MLA's daughter.

Recently Popular

Hyderabad elections: Owaisi makes ‘beef biriyani’ sly on BJP leaders, Raja Singh offers him pork biriyani

As an insult to BJP leaders, Owaisi had stated that they should have some biriyani at a particular hotel in Hyderabad that is famous for beef dishes.

When Sonia Gandhi trusted Ahmed Patel for conveying to PV Narasimha Rao’s family that his funeral will not be held in Delhi

Sanjaya Baru had said Ahmed Patel approached him to let PV Narasimha Rao's son know about Sonia Gandhi's message.

Odisha: Largest ever vigilance raid in state unearths massive wealth gathered by IFS officer, fancy cars, ultra-luxurious lifestyle

Pathak's family reportedly owns a lavish apartment in Bhubaneswar with Italian marble flooring, ivory furnitures and other luxuries. The son is engaged to an MLA's daughter.

Remembering the role Barkha Dutt played in endangering the lives of 100s of civilians during the 26/11 Mumbai terror attack

A look back at how live coverage by journalists like Barkha Dutt and other journalists endangered lives of thousands of people during 26/11 Mumbai terror attack.

During 26/11 Mumbai attack, Param Bir Singh refused to be on ground and take on terrorists, then Mumbai CP Hasan Gafoor had said

Hasan Gafoor, who was the Mumbai Commissioner of Police during the 26/11 Mumbai terror attacks, had accused senior police officials, including Param Bir Singh of not taking on the terrorists.

How Congress lost Gujarat to save Ahmed Patel’s Rajya Sabha seat

The 2017 Gujarat Rajya Sabha elections which were contested by Ahmed Patel were one of the lowest points for Congress.
- Advertisement -

Karan Johar apologises to Madhur Bhandarkar for tweaking his title without permission, Bhandarkar calls Johar’s act morally and ethically wrong

Madhur Bhandarkar had accused Karan Johar of tweaking his registered title 'Bollywood wives' for an upcoming web series on Netflix

District court in UP sentences one Sadab Alam to 20-years imprisonment for kidnapping and raping a minor girl

The minor victim was recovered by the police from West Bengal. She had told before the court that she was raped by Sadab Alam.

“Wikipedia has become a huge moral hazard”: Co-founder Larry Sanger accuses the website of turning into a ‘monocultural establishment organ of propaganda’

Larry Sanger accuses Wikipedia of no longer adhering to the principle of providing information from a neutral point of view

Uttar Pradesh ranks number one in providing jobs to migrant workers by generating 10 crore person-days under Gareeb Kalyan Rojgar Abhiyan

Uttar Pradesh government has spent 9,329.57 Crores on the project and generated 10,58,17,358 Person-days for migrant workers

‘Professor’ Ashok Swain, known for his anti-India rhetoric and Hinduphobia, deactivates his Twitter account saying he needed a break

Ashok Swain was often seen peddling anti-India narrative on social media that resonated well with Pakistan and liberals in India

Months after staying at the RIMS director’s bungalow, scam convicted RJD chief Lalu Yadav shifted back to RIMS ward

The newly appointed RIMS Director had to stay in a guest house because Lalu Yadav had been staying in his official bungalow since August

Congress leaders and supporters use old photographs to attack Modi government on farmer protests

The pictures used by Youth Congress and then mechanically copied by rest of the Congress coteries are actually from the year 2018

Pakistani man gets AK-47 rifle as wedding gift from his mother-in-law, video goes viral

In the viral video, the mother-in-law of the groom is seen gifting him a Kalashnikov rifle as the crowd cheered.

Minor gang-raped, forced conversion to Islam, threats, caste abuse: Details of 11 cases in which UP SIT, formed to probe Love Jihad, found criminality

To curb growing menace of Love Jihad, Kanpur police under guidance of the Yogi govt in Uttar Pradesh formed an SIT

Partying in 2008, ignoring now: Rahul Gandhi’s silence on the 26/11 Mumbai attacks continues

Like last year, Rahul Gandhi has completely ignored the 26/11 Mumbai attacks and has not shared any tweet about it.

Connect with us

245,563FansLike
489,329FollowersFollow
20,200SubscribersSubscribe